Underhanded Tactics
by Charity Angel
Summary: In which Tosh resolves to get her man. By any means necessary. Will in the future include some smatterings of Gwen-bashing (done in good humour, honestly), blatant references to sex and misuse of Eyebrows. [Standalone]
1. The Plot

_A/N: So, this one is a bit on the weird side - it fits alongside some of my other fics, but isn't part of a series as such. I have written it with footnotes, which you should be able to follow easily enough with your browser's 'find' function. Anyone using the FanFiction app or Codex will find it a bit more of a drag. They're not 100% essential - they just add a bit of flavour. Fingers crossed it works as I intended._

_Timeline-wise, this is set just before 'Meat'_

**Underhanded Tactics**

**Chapter I: The Plot **

"Um, can I ask you two something?"

Jack and Ianto looked up from trying to locate Jack's desk under the paperwork. That the desk was a useful surface for sex was secondary; the foremost concern in Ianto's mind was that He Could No Longer See The Desk For Paperwork, and therefore the paperwork Would Be Done [1].

Jack, relieved for the distraction, waved her in [2]. Curiously, she closed the door. Everyone in Torchwood knew what a closed door meant. In theory, anyway: Gwen seemed to forget regularly [3].

"Tosh, what's wrong?"

Ianto was on his feet like a shot at the unusual door-closing, his arm around Tosh, guiding her to the sofa, sitting beside her and fussing. She grabbed his hand with a naughty grin.

"How do you feel about a little deception?"

The two men exchanged puzzled looks.

"You both know how I feel about Owen," she said.

"He's not good enough for you, Tosh," Ianto said with a sigh. It was the topic of many an evening spent in the pub [4].

"He just needs to realise what he's missing out on," Jack disagreed, coming to sit on the other side of Tosh. "Tell us what you're thinking."

"Would you take me out on a couple of dates? I mean, I'd pay…"

Jack grinned suddenly. "You want to make him jealous?"

She nodded and Ianto hugged her. "If you're sure he's the one you want, it would be our pleasure."

"And you won't pay a penny," Jack agreed, snuggling into them affectionately. "After everything you did for us [5], we can return the favour. And we're going to enjoy doing it."

* * *

[1] Admittedly, its secondary use was what motivated Jack more. That and the threat of enforced celibacy until the paperwork was complete. Ianto had been hesitant about using sex (or lack thereof) as a weapon against Jack after Lisa (from whom, ironically, he had learned the tactic in the first place), but in these instances, Jack didn't seem to mind that much. Not when he got his reward for good behaviour.

[2] Bribery with sex was just, sometimes, not enough for paperwork. Not that Ianto wasn't hot enough to make it work under normal circumstances, but this was paperwork.

[3] Jack had a theory that Gwen got her rocks off catching them in the act, but Ianto was convinced that she just forgot about the closed door rule. Ianto was normally right about these things, but Jack refused to believe she was that stupid.

[4] Tosh and Ianto had bonded over something or other at some point. Probably around the time of CyberLisa's death, Jack wasn't too sure. But they seemed to go out for drinks together quite a lot these days, and Jack wasn't invited. He should probably be more upset than he was about that.

[5] Which is another story entirely. One that might be written, one day, but the author writes painfully slowly on occasions. Which was okay by Jack – it kept Ianto in a state of perpetual alive-ness that otherwise shouldn't be possible.


	2. The Rules

**Underhanded Tactics**

**Chapter II: The Rules**

Untangling their limbs from the impromptu cuddle on the sofa in Jack's office, Tosh, Jack and Ianto sat companionably.

"If we're going to do this, I think we need to establish some boundaries," Ianto said pragmatically, straightening his suit. "How far you want us to go."

"Sounds kinky," Jack said from her other side, with that trademark grin. Over her head, Ianto glared at him. Tosh giggled; she loved her boys dearly, and seeing them being so domestic was just wonderful. But Ianto was right, if they were going to do this, they needed some ground rules. If nothing else, Owen was the only one she wanted to make jealous: it wouldn't do for either Jack or Ianto to think she was stepping on their toes. That was why she had come to both of them; she knew either would have done this for her in a heartbeat even just a few months ago, but now they were a package deal, whether they knew it or not [6].

"Rule one: no sex."

Jack pouted playfully. "Are you sure? Because we could probably get you to forget about Owen completely."

"Jack! Tosh, we agree. What about kissing?"

Her face lit up, her eyes shining with mischief. "I think we'd struggle to convince him if we didn't kiss."

"Jack, you're going to need to be careful [7]. Tosh, if you ever feel like you're not in control, like your head is spinning and he's the only thing in the world, tell him straight away."

Tosh thought about that for a moment before deciding something. "I think you need to show me what I need to watch out for."

Ianto snorted, amused. "Scientist."

"Yep," she replied proudly.

"Let's get the other rules sorted out while you can still think," Ianto said firmly, reaching over Tosh's shoulder and holding Jack back. He looked far too eager to sweep Tosh off her feet.

"Rule three: keep groping above the waist."

"Hmm…"

"What?"

Ianto got up and held out a hand to Jack. "Let me demonstrate. Jack, follow Tosh's rule."

Tosh settled in as her two boys kissed right in front of her. It wasn't one of their frenzied, passionate kisses normally found after some particularly dangerous encounter (particularly if Jack had died and Ianto was convincing himself that everything was okay), or her personal favourite, the gentle, tender expression of the love neither of them would admit to out loud; this was somewhere in between, still filled with passion, and so much better than watching on the CCTV. But, they didn't seem quite as natural as usual: Jack's hands were both on Ianto's waist, Ianto had one on Jack's waist, the other in his hair. Thinking about it, it was like watching two teenagers share their first clumsy kiss; romantic[8] but chaste and uncertain. Then, seemingly on some unspoken command, Ianto grabbed Jack's bum, pulling him close. Jack relaxed more, his hands acting more freely, sliding downwards.

They turned to her as one when they parted, and she hoped she didn't look as flushed as she felt. She swallowed, her mouth dry.

"I understand."

Ianto studied her carefully. "But are you okay with it?"

"There's only way to find out," she found herself saying brazenly.

Jack stepped away from Ianto. She had always been grateful that he didn't cloud her mind with his pheromones, and given how intense that kiss was, he was probably getting close to losing his tenuous control over his body. Ianto was right; they needed to get all these rules established before she let her scientific curiosity loose on Jack [9].

Ianto held his hand out to her instead, helped her to her feet gently. His left hand reached out, touched her cheek tenderly and she found herself leaning into the touch. She closed the gap between them and her eyes fluttered closed as Ianto bent his head, his lips brushing against hers.

It wasn't smouldering like she had seen with Jack, and Tosh was very conscious that it was Ianto she was kissing, but he really was very good at this. The hand that had been on her cheek found its way into her hair, the other was sedately sitting on her waist. She felt his tongue sweep along her bottom lip, and she was barely aware of the fact that she responded, barely aware of his hand dropping to grasp her bum and pull her flush with his body. All she knew was that she wanted him to carry on.

"I think she's good with it, Ianto."

Jack's amused tone brought them both back to reality. Ianto looked bemused when they parted, his eyes dark, filled with affection for… for both of them, she was stunned to realise. In different ways, yes, but he did love her too. She wondered how she had never realised that before.

"I wouldn't normally interrupt, but I want my turn some time before Owen clocks off tonight."

She giggled and smoothed her hair. "That sounds fair. Ianto, are you all right?"

He was rubbing the back of his neck gingerly and trying to ignore the fact that Jack was openly laughing at him.

"My neck isn't used to bending to kiss any more," he admitted, blushing. Oh, how adorable, but she didn't want to cause him pain.

"I'll get used to it again, I'm sure," he said hastily, seeing the flash of concern in her expression. "So, we'll amend rule three to include bums. "

"How jealous do you want to make Owen?" Jack asked her. He was leaning against the wall, arms folded, watching her and Ianto carefully.

Ianto sighed and rolled his eyes. He clearly understood something Tosh didn't.

"Jack has a bad habit," Ianto confessed. Inexplicably, he started to loosen his tie. "Owen knows about it, so I suppose it makes sense to discuss it now."

He unbuttoned his collar and pulled it away from his neck, revealing a cluster of love bites.

"Oh! Maybe we can save that for later? Do I even want to know how Owen knows?"

Ianto shrugged as he redressed himself. "He's our doctor."

That should have been obvious, really, Tosh realised.

"So," she said briskly, trying to return some sense to the proceedings as Ianto retied his tie. "Rule one: no sex; rule two: if Jack overwhelms me, say something; rule three, no truly inappropriate groping. Do you two have any rules you want to set?"

"Just an extension of rule two really; that we all need to be honest with each other," Ianto said. "If any of us is uncomfortable, or someone crosses a line, speak up. "

"You know this sounds like a contract between a dom and sub, don't you? All we're missing is a safe word."

Trust Jack. But then Ianto surprised her.

"Myfanwy," he suggested. When the other two looked at him in bewilderment, he shrugged. "It's something plausible to say around the Hub, and it's not exactly something any of us would say 'in the heat of the moment'."

Knowing that Ianto was familiar with safe words sent Tosh's mind whirling: there was nothing like _that_ in her not-so-secret stash of CCTV footage. Shame.

"Oh, I wish I could see what you're thinking about." Jack broke into her thoughts.

"I bet you do," she shot back with a grin of her own.

"Oh god, we've unleashed a monster. Okay, rule four: no joking about restraining Jack."

Jack paled, just a little, his formerly relaxed stance rigid.

"And that would be why," Ianto continued by means of explanation. "She had to know, Jack."

Jack nodded stiffly. Tosh's mind went off on another tangent. To have such a visceral reaction [10] to even just the rule being spoken, it was something big.

"Let's just steer clear of any suggestions of anything BDSM," she suggested. Jack relaxed visibly. Yes, that was definitely big, so big she wasn't going to be able to worm it out of Ianto [11]. They might tell her in time, she supposed, but it would be Jack's decision to share.

She turned her brightest smile on Jack, hoping to break the sudden tension. "Come on then, show me what I've missed out on all these years."

He laughed, a glorious pure sound that she loved to hear. "You, Toshiko Sato, are something else. Ianto, are you sure we can't keep her for ourselves?"

"What makes you think I want you?" Tosh responded before Ianto could speak. "Now, Ianto would be a different story."

Jack seemed to take that as a challenge. He grabbed her, pulled her close, holding her tightly to him. "Let me change your mind." Unsurprisingly, he was not as patient and gentle as Ianto, but Jack was in no way forceful when he dipped his head. She met his mouth without hesitation, let herself get swept away. She pressed herself into him, wanting, needing to be closer to him. Her fingers clutched at his shirt, wondering why it was between them, why she couldn't touch his smooth, flawless skin instead of…

"Jack!"

Jack released her immediately at Ianto's shout. She whimpered, trembling at the sudden loss of Jack's presence. How dare someone come between them?

"Oh!" She took a few deep breaths, glad that Jack was suddenly right on the other side of the office, a horribly guilty expression on his face. Ianto was at her side almost immediately, filling the void Jack's absence left.

"This is what you meant, isn't it?" Her voice sounded shaky, even to her own ears.

Ianto hugged her to his chest, back to his role as being her brother rather than a lover. "Yes, that's what I meant."

She tipped her head back, looked up at him incredulously. "How can you ever think?"

He chuckled, the sound reverberating around his chest. "It's easier with practice. But he can still cloud my head when he wants to. [12]"

"Tosh, I'm so sorry."

She pulled away from Ianto, just a fraction, and shook her head. "Don't be. I need to know what it feels like. I asked to know. [13]"

"I think we should leave it there for now," Ianto said. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Yes, you look suitably flustered for going back to Owen. Have fun."

She made sure she was out of the door before she started to straighten her top and hair.

* * *

[6] And how she wanted to knock their heads together on occasions about that. What was it about men that made them so unwilling to commit, even when they _were_ committed? It kind of made Tosh wish she was actually a lesbian, although she freely admitted she would probably end up head-over-heels for someone as emotionally dysfunctional as Gwen if she were.

[7] Because of her history with UNIT, Jack always kept a very firm rein on his pheromones around her. He had never asked whether or not she had been raped; they discussed very little about it, but he had assumed that she would find the lack of self-control disturbing. More so than the others, anyway. Tosh had always appreciated his efforts (once she knew, anyway), but it did mean that, while she knew Ianto was somewhat used to the effects, she really, really wasn't.

[8] with a healthy side of lust

[9] Part of her wondered how, as a scientist, she had never managed to see Jack as a lab rat at all? He was from the future, doubtlessly genetically engineered at some point, had made one too many jokes about having been pregnant for it not to be true and, of course, immortal. And yet all she normally saw was her emotionally-fragile boss who needed someone as down-to-Earth as Ianto to keep him on the straight and narrow.

[10] For Jack, anyway

[11] Normally she could get titbits out of him, little things to spice up the already spicy videos she had of the two of them, but if there was something Ianto didn't want to talk about, he would clam up tighter than Jack. Especially if said piece of information was about Jack. Tosh didn't necessarily see this as a bad thing – Jack needed someone he could trust to confide in, and Ianto had earned that trust in spades.

[12] Tosh knew that sentence should end with 'and I let him'. Ianto was quite the expert at not breathing through his nose these days.

[13] And she now knew that Ianto hadn't been kidding, or exaggerated, when they had talked about Jack's almost narcotic effect.


	3. Playtime Begins

**Underhanded Tactics**

**Chapter III**

After calming Jack and his genetically engineered libido down by means of a blow job, they had fun plotting how they were going to play this [1]. Jack had agreed that it would be more plausible if Ianto made the first move, as it were: everyone knew that he and Tosh were close, and it would be more noticeable if he were suddenly to become more intimate because of his natural reservedness.

So Ianto had spent two days being just a bit too forward with Tosh, lingering touches as he handed over her coffee, standing a little too close when they talked. When she had clicked, she called him over to check something on her computer. He leaned in close, a hand resting carelessly on her shoulder as she pointed to things on the screen - actually shoes she had been looking at online, along with a Janto production running in the bottom right-hand corner. Spotting that, his lips had found her ear.

"You naughty, naughty girl," he whispered, full of affection and laughter. His hand moved to the nape of her neck and massaged gently. "You'll give Jack ideas if you insist on watching that."

"So, do you think there's a pattern?" she asked, loud enough for everyone else to hear her.

Ianto gave a cursory glance at her shoes, and had to try not to laugh: she was pointing at a leopard-print pair that were definitely not her.

"It's difficult to say," he said. "I think we need some more data. Why don't I get us a couple of coffees and we'll work on it together?"

He straightened, turned, and was glad to see that Gwen was staring.

"Would you like a cup too?" he asked, giving her a friendly little smile. This was just like with Jack at the beginning, when they had pretended nothing was going on. This was something he could do, and would enjoy using his ill-gotten skills for good [2].

She blinked her enormous eyes, as if trying to persuade herself she hadn't just seen what she thought she had. "Er, yes please."

Ianto looked up as he turned his back on the two women. Jack was watching him silently from the balcony. He was doing a good impression of looking thoughtful and brooding, possibly even betrayed, his brow furrowed at Ianto. Right up until he winked. It was clearly an act for Gwen, who was currently staring at Tosh, trying to work out what the hell had just gone on. This was going to be far too enjoyable if they got to mess with Gwen as well as make Owen jealous [3].

He made the coffee, delivered a mug to everyone (including and especially Jack, who gave him a thorough snogging), and sat down next to Tosh, perpetrating the ruse. In reality, he sat and finished off some half-complete catalogue entries whilst he pinged IMs back and forth to both Tosh and Jack. The last one to Tosh suggested that she should follow him down to the archives after a suitably suspicious interval.

.oOo.

Tosh was trying so hard not to laugh as Ianto waylaid her, half in the line of sight of a CCTV camera, en route to the archives.

"She'll tell him, won't she?" Ianto pulled her into his arms, brushing his thumb against her cheek and smiling.

"Oh yes," Tosh assured him, leaning into his embrace. "She'll tell him, because she'll need to tell someone, and it can't be you, me or Jack."

"Excellent. Now, Dr Sato, I do believe we have a potential audience to entertain." He ducked his head and she met his lips eagerly. She had spent the last two days recalling the kisses her boys had given her. She told herself it was because it had been the first time she had been kissed since Mary, but in reality, the kiss she had gotten from Ianto had been the best of her life. Until Jack had swept her into his arms, that was.

He _was_ good at this, Tosh mused. Why were all the good ones taken and/or gay? Or in this instance bi but completely besotted with each other?

She was a bit more adventurous this time, she allowed her hands to thread themselves into his thick, curly hair. She hoped someone was watching, even if it was just Jack. While she knew they were both fine with this idea, Ianto had confided that Jack, when jealous, was extremely possessive. It resulted in spectacular sex, apparently. So she endeavoured to make Jack's possessiveness come out just as much as Owen's jealousy. She couldn't help herself with those two, she would always be their matchmaker. [4]

She sighed when they parted. "If only you'd been a bit older," she said, caressing his face tenderly. "And I wasn't already obsessed with Owen, of course."

"If only I'd been single," Ianto replied, his eyes warm with affection. "But things are the way they are. You want Owen, I want Jack. Making them both green with envy serves both our purposes."

The scamp; he had known exactly what Tosh had been thinking!

"I think you might be adding to your film collection later," he whispered in her ear. "I really do need to go down to the archives now. You should go back up. I think a secret snog is enough to start out with."

Tosh disagreed, she pulled Ianto back down, gave him a long, tender kiss.

"Now it's enough," she said. She turned away, looked back longingly and started to return to the main Hub, straightening her blouse and hair in full view of the cameras.

.oOo.

"You have no idea how hard it has been to keep my hands to myself all day, watching you with Tosh."

From his vantage point of having his back pressed to the glass wall of Jack's office and Jack pressed to his front, Ianto actually had a very good idea. But even if Jack hadn't been all over him like a rash the instant they were alone:

"Really? No idea?"

Jack had his pheromones, Ianto had the perfect counter. Judicious application of The Eyebrows ensured a compliant and generally agreeable Jack [5].

"Okay, maybe a bit of an idea, but you knew that about me going into this."

"Tosh means the world to me, but it will never be... whatever this is." He palmed Jack through his trousers. "Let me make up for teasing you all day."

Jack's eyes widened as Ianto pulled his stopwatch out. It was a favourite game by now: Ianto would see how long he could tease Jack before he either came or turned the tables. His times had reduced dramatically since Ianto had had to throw the handcuffs away [6], because now he always snapped, reset the watch, and enjoyed watching his patient Welshman come apart under him instead.

* * *

[1] And Ianto had to persuade Jack that, just because she hadn't specifically specified it in her rules, it was unlikely that Tosh wanted him grabbing her breasts at inappropriate moments. Touching her bum in public was a little risqué, but not completely inappropriate. Touching her breasts _was_, even if it was just to wind Owen up.

[2] Depending on one's point of view, naturally. He didn't suppose Owen would see this as being 'good'. Not at first, anyway.

[3] Not that Ianto disliked Gwen. She was good at her job, and she had led them reasonably well when Jack had been away, but she tended to treat him like a baby brother. Not just a little brother, like Tosh did, but one who needed coddling and watching constantly. She wasn't that much older than him, not really, and he had much more experience with aliens than she did. That and he knew when not to push Jack, of course. Gwen didn't seem to know when to stop on occasions, and that irritated the hell out of him just as much as it did Jack.

[4] Purely for their sakes, of course. There was absolutely no vested interest in adding to her pornographic database at all. Not even a tiny bit.

[5] Jack had, once, actually submitted paperwork in an attempt to classify Ianto's eyebrows as a weapon, and therefore could only be checked out and used with his express permission. After he had laughed himself stupid at the sheer ridiculousness of the very idea, Ianto had been absolutely flabbergasted that Jack had actually done paperwork without being nagged about ten times. It had been framed for posterity, and was hanging in Ianto's tiny office in the Archives. He was quite proud of it. Needless to say, however, Ianto had not actually bothered to properly file it, and did not intend to.

[6] Jack Didn't Talk about what happened while he was away, but Ianto wasn't an idiot. The first time they had been a bit more adventurous, Jack had screamed his safe word as soon as he was restrained, and had trembled for hours afterwards. The cuffs had gone, as had every other restraining device in their toy box.


	4. Upping the Ante

**Underhanded Tactics**

**Chapter IV**

Things seemed to be progressing: Owen was starting, with a little nudging from Gwen, to notice that Tosh and Ianto were inappropriately close. At first he had laughed it off, then he had seen it for himself. Then he started to look not at Tosh, but the Teaboy, trying to recall if he had received a head injury recently. Or if both of them had been dosed with one of those aphrodisiac pollens that Jack talked about so wistfully[1]. He ran surreptitious scans, but found nothing out of the ordinary for the Hub.

After another couple of days of Ianto and Tosh 'subtly' sneaking off for snogs, Jack decided it was time to up their game. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact he was starting to feel left out[2]; just that Owen didn't quite seem to believe that Ianto would cheat on Jack[3].

So Jack descended one day when they were playing the monitor game (this time with Tosh leaning over Ianto's shoulder). He immediately draped an arm over Ianto's shoulder and rested his other hand on Tosh's bottom. He felt her tense, just a fraction, and he was a hair's-breadth away from removing it when she tipped her head and rested it against his shoulder. Not a mixed signal at all, then. There was a strangled gasp behind them from Gwen, followed by a frantic tapping of keys – no doubt IMing Owen.

"So, what're you kids up to?" Jack asked loudly.

"Just compiling some data on Rift spikes," Tosh said. "Ianto wanted to collate some of the old records and compare them with the Rift figures."

"It might give us better predictions," Ianto said. And, glancing at his screen, Jack discovered that that was exactly what they _were_ doing! Go figure. "Or at least a better indication of whether I need to stock up on plankton, carrots or baby rats."

"So, is this going to free you up for more worthwhile pursuits any time soon?"

"It's a work in progress, Jack," Tosh piped up. "But hopefully."

She sounded a bit too cheerful at the prospect.

"Brilliant. Keep me posted." He turned Tosh's head and kissed her. It was quick and flirty, but to the casual observer it would suggest familiarity. It was how he would kiss Ianto in the Hub when they didn't want it to lead to something else. Ianto, not wanting to be left out, tipped his head back. Jack moved readily, bending over to kiss his partner.

Gwen was gaping like a fish out of water. Oh, this was going to be great.

.oOo.

"But how does it even work?"

Owen fixed her with a disbelieving look. "Do you want me to draw you a picture?"

"No! Well… How?"

Owen sighed. "It's the same, only with more people. How the hell do you think Jack and Ianto do it?"

Gwen flushed[4].

"Teaboy sticks his cock up Jack's arse," Owen said bluntly. "If Tosh is playing too, then I'm sure I don't want to know who sticks what where, but good for Tosh. She could stand to unwind a bit."

"Ianto?" Gwen's eyes were wide. "No. Don't be daft, Owen."

Owen gave her a condescending smile. "You watch them after they've been 'in the archives' and tell me if I'm wrong."

Gwen smiled and shook her head. "You're wrong. I just know it. Jack's not like that."

Owen sighed. "Whatever. You just keep watching them."

Given that they were in the autopsy bay, neither of them saw Tosh's eyes light up as she hastily compiled an audio file of the conversation from the Hub's surveillance equipment and emailed it to Jack, with instructions to open it only when he and Ianto were alone. Which, of course, she knew very well they were. She was treated to the sound of Jack roaring with laughter a few moments later.

.oOo.

They took her out that evening. Ianto had booked a table at a nice Italian restaurant well-frequented by Cardiff's LGBT and poly communities[5]. It wasn't something that they usually worried about when they went out together, but a romantic meal for three might raise too many eyebrows elsewhere. They talked, laughed (at first about Gwen and Owen and the plan, but then about normal things like last week's snot monster), flirted. Ianto and Tosh shared a bottle of wine, which led Jack to believe he was being indoctrinated into their 'let's whine about men' club. At least, that was what he assumed they did when they went to the pub together[6].

Tosh was positively beaming as Jack drove them back to Ianto's flat, where they, for some reason known only to themselves, determined it would be a good idea to start a game of Monopoly. Ianto appeared to have an opened bottle of wine from when they had cooked bolognaise last week, and it got emptied into three glasses[7].

Tosh sighed, leaning back against the sofa. "This is nice. We need to do this more often."

Jack took advantage of her inattentiveness to land on her property without paying.

"You're welcome any time, Tosh."

Tosh looked positively scandalised. "But if I was always here, I wouldn't get to hear about your nocturnal adventures." She grinned up at Jack, all traces of the innocent computer geek gone.

"No, you might _actually_ hear them instead," Jack replied.

"No she wouldn't," Ianto said bluntly as he took his turn. "CCTV is one thing, actually listening in from the next room is creepy."

"Spoilsport," Tosh grumbled good-naturedly. She picked up the dice and blinked, noticing the board. "Hey, I'm already losing, Jack."

"I'm not that far behind you," Jack replied, gesturing to his meagre funds, then pointing to Ianto's quietly-accumulated fortune.

"You know, I'm glad neither of you are into world domination," he added. "You'd be very good at it between you, and the world would probably be grateful by the time it actually noticed."

"Who's to say we haven't already started?" Ianto said. He raised an eyebrow as Tosh landed on Piccadilly. She sighed and flipped over her few remaining properties in order to raise the cash to pay him.

Jack shrugged. "Just be discrete. Lizzie disapproves of abusing Torchwood facilities for that kind of thing."

"I really wish you wouldn't call her majesty 'Lizzie'," Ianto grumbled. "It's disrespectful."

Jack laughed. "I've known her since she was ten," he pointed out. "And I won't tell you what old Bertie caught us doing in the glasshouse, back in '45."

"Please don't."

Tosh actually did want to hear more, but was surprised when she yawned suddenly.

"Oh, it's late!"

Tosh privately thought Ianto wasn't entirely accurate when she looked at the clock: at three a.m., it was dangerously close to being _early_. Thank goodness they didn't have to be in work tomorrow.

"Let's say Ianto's won, and I'll go and get the sheets," Jack suggested, getting up and clearing their long-empty wine glasses away.

"You can't tell me that's not a relationship," Tosh hissed as she started to gather up the property cards and sort them into order[8]. "He's 'getting sheets'. He lives here."

Ianto shrugged and sorted the money. "It's not that simple. Jack doesn't like labels."

"A name doesn't change anything," Tosh pointed out. "We haven't got names for half the things in the archives, but that doesn't change what they do, or did. You're a couple." She prodded an accusing finger at Ianto.

"Perhaps." He folded the board into the box and placed it carefully to one side. "Now, give me a hand with this."

Together, with the ease born from lots of practice, they unfolded Ianto's sofa bed, just in time for Jack to appear with the bedding. They made short work of making up the bed, and Tosh let them both use the bathroom before inquiring after her toothbrush.

"Same place as usual," Ianto told her.

It was. In the few weeks since she had last stayed with Ianto, his toothbrush holder had acquired another resident, but her spare one was still there. Gwen really would have a fit if she saw that – it really did look like the three of them were living together. Now, if only Owen would wake up and smell the roses.

.oOo.

Jack pressed Ianto against the wall, kissing him soundly.

"Tosh is in the next room," Ianto hissed when Jack finally let him up for air.

"You don't normally have a problem with that," Jack said softly.

"Because you can measure that distance in multiple yards, with soundproof glass between your office and the main Hub, not a couple of feet and a stud wall."

"You'll have to be quiet then," Jack challenged.

"Me?"[9]

Jack pressed a finger to his lips and nodded. Ianto gave him a withering look before deftly sucking Jack's finger into his mouth. Jack bit back a whimper as Ianto illustrated with his tongue exactly what he would do to Jack's cock.

* * *

[1] Not that they had ever found any. Owen was starting to believe that it was all bollocks, and Jack was winding them up.

[2] Nope, definitely not

[3] Proving once and for all that Owen understood absolutely nothing about Ianto, or their relationship.

[4] Honestly, this from a woman who had walked in on them at least twice to Owen's knowledge. Perhaps they hadn't gotten to the main show either time, but Owen was pretty certain she was disappointed by that fact.

[5] If nothing else, Ianto had done his homework. By which, he had Googled it.

[6] To be fair, he was right, on the whole: Tosh moaned about the fact Owen appeared to be blind; Ianto groused about how much of an arse Jack had been that particular day/week/century.

[7] It was nice wine. It had been sacrilege to cook with it in the first place and Jack wasn't being left out this time. He could bitch about his man too (even if he _was_ in the room). Unfair use of Eyebrows counted, right?

[8] She knew better than _not_ to pander to Ianto's OCD just because it was three in the morning. That sort of thing could get a girl uninvited, or her CCTV privileges revoked for an unspecified period, or decaf, or instant, or, worst of all, an unleashing of The Eyebrows. Possibly coupled with The Hands On Hips for maximum effect.

[9] Because Ianto was the one with volume-control issues. Yeah…


	5. No Girls Allowed

**Underhanded Tactics**

**Chapter V: No Girls Allowed**

"So," Jack said, grinning up at Ianto, "how do you want to do this?"

Ianto squinted down at him, lying on his front, sprawled naked across the bed with his chin propped on his hands, Ianto's glasses perched on his nose.

"Do what?" he asked, grabbing his specs. He slid them into place, bringing Jack into focus[1].

"Do we screw with Owen or Gwen?"

Ah, the audio file Tosh had been good enough to send them yesterday, the one that Jack had found absolutely hilarious, right before he had gotten that naughty gleam in his eyes[2]. Ianto considered their options, and felt the smirk spread over his face.

"Why not both?" he suggested. "It'll have to be Gwen first, because otherwise she'll be insufferable, thinking she's right. Then we'll do Owen, so to speak."

Jack grabbed Ianto's wrist, pulled him back onto the bed. "I'd rather you did me."

"That was the intention. At first, at least."

"I like the way you think, Mr Jones."

Ianto rolled his eyes, pressed a kiss firmly to Jack's waiting mouth and pulled himself free. "Coffee."

Jack actually looked contrite. The power of Ianto's coffee!

"That said, what about Tosh?"

"She'll probably want a cup too," Jack said.

"Jack."

He shrugged, an odd effect since he was now lying on his back.

"She needs to be 'involved' in this. And if it looks like we're being rough with each other…"

"Why don't you ask me?" Tosh suggested from the other side of the door.

"Tosh! Come in!"

"No! Don't!"

Tosh's musical laugh drifted through the wood. "Ianto, don't worry: I know better than that."

"Come on, Tosh, you're supposed to be familiar with my body."

Ianto rolled his eyes again and sighed. "_Everyone_ at Torchwood is familiar with your body, Jack. Far too familiar.[3]"

Tosh was still giggling, a little too manically for the pre-coffee hours. Ianto slipped out the door and dragged her away to his kitchenette. Despite his jovial invitation, Jack needed his space in the morning, and Ianto could certainly entertain Tosh for long enough to let Jack sneak into the bathroom.

"Sounds like you'll have a few more 'Janto' productions," Ianto said dryly as he pulled the espresso from the fridge.

Tosh raised her eyebrows. "It sounds like I'm going to have to pretend to have taken part in them." She pulled a packet of muffins from the bread bin and moved around Ianto to get the bread knife.

He watched her, amused. "And you accuse Jack of living here."

"I don't keep a razor here," she responded sweetly, slicing muffins and dropping them into the toaster. "Or get sheets."

.oOo.

They were settling into a routine; flirting, pecks here and there, the odd trip either to Jack's office or the archives for some more convincing 'quality time'[4] [5]; sometimes just two of them, but occasionally all three. Tosh found she enjoyed being held between the two of them and kissed from both sides. They would go out for a 'date' at least once a week, and generally end up playing some board game or another. Ianto turned out to have quite a collection. And he was good at all of them.

Tosh went to her mother's sixtieth birthday alone, and Jack and Ianto were both surprised to feel her absence keenly. They were becoming accustomed to having her in their lives. However, there were opportunities to be had because of her absence rather than in spite of it: about an hour before a scheduled staff meeting, Ianto took Jack a cup of coffee, closed the door behind him and shut the blinds.

"Do you have plans?" Jack asked, looking up from his paperwork and assessing the change in the environment.

Ianto grabbed his shirt and kissed him soundly.

"I've got you to myself for the first time in three weeks," Ianto said when they parted, his voice low. "I intend to make the most of it."

Jack shivered with desire. Ianto's voice was always guaranteed to get him hot and bothered. Even though he knew Ianto purposely thickened his accent to turn Jack on. He appreciated the effort.

Ianto was like a man possessed: he licked, sucked and fingered until Jack was sat on the edge of his own desk, begging to be taken. It was a request Ianto was all too happy to oblige.

It was only afterwards, as he struggled to get comfortable in the meeting, that he recalled their agreement to fuck with Gwen's head. Her eyes were practically out on stalks every time he shifted position, so he made sure to do it more often than strictly necessary, looking at Ianto as he did so.

Ianto sighed as he picked up the mugs after Gwen positively fled, and Owen followed at a more reasonable pace.

"I don't think she listened to a word of that."

Jack grinned and snagged Ianto's tie, pulling his young lover into his lap.

"Jack," Ianto said, turning to deposit the mugs back on the table. "They could have spilled."

"I'd much rather we spilled something else," Jack purred.

Ianto grimaced momentarily at the picture painted in his head by Jack's comment. "Okay, I'm twenty-five: what's your excuse for being this horny?"

"I think…" Jack actually appeared to think about the question for a moment. "…you could have done a better job earlier." He paused, before whispering in Ianto's ear: "I'm sure you said you were going to fuck me into next week."

Ianto's mouth went dry as the blood got redirected from his head[6]. Jack wasn't playing fair, what with the seductive voice and smile and the tickle of lips on his ear, stubble against his cheek, and the pheromones that Ianto wasn't even trying to avoid.

Jack chuckled and lifted him easily onto the edge of the table.

"They're not doing anything they can't finish off tomorrow," Jack purred in his ear as he stood, completely encroaching on Ianto's personal space. Ianto shivered with desire.

Jack went to the door and shouted something down to Gwen and Owen. Dimly, he heard Owen shout something obscene back[7], but nothing really registered until Jack returned and pulled him into a searing kiss.

* * *

[1] While Ianto hated his glasses in theory, in practice they made looking at things a lot easier. And being able to focus on Jack was definitely not a bad thing. Especially when he was naked.

[2] Ianto both loved and feared the gleam: it generally led to them having some amazing sex, but also having to worm their way out of being arrested by Cardiff's finest for indecent exposure. Again.

[3] Especially Gwen.

[4] Mainframe, while supportive of the endeavour in general, was dead-set against having them invade her server room for their shenanigans, so they stuck to Jack and Ianto's domains. For an AI, she was surprisingly good with threats. Particularly when they involved Tosh's secret 'Janto' folder and Torchwood-wide emails.

[5] The 'Torchwood-wide' mailing list may or may not have included Archie Campbell in Glasgow and select members of the royal family. Mainframe wasn't specific, and they didn't want to test her.

[6] And, more specifically, his brain

[7] Hub recordings would later reveal this to be "I'm not treating any more fucking friction burns on Jones' knob!" Much, much later.


End file.
